Monologue Monday: Where My Girls At?!?!

Surrounding yourself with a good group of girls is so important!

For the longest time this was something that I didn’t really pay that much attention to, and as a result I felt like a couple of areas in my life suffered from it.

For me, I am very much a self-professed “loner” in the sense that I can spend days hours and hours by myself and not even notice. Once I get focused on a project or an idea (or a good book J), I throw myself into it until my mission or objective is complete.

While this is good when it comes to work and producing results, it’s sometimes not so good in other areas of my life: i.e. my girl friends.

Only recently, (more like the last few years!), have I realized how important it is to surround myself by really good girl friends. I mean yeah I have some great guy friends, but nothing beats that special bond that a group of women can share while supporting each other through life’s journey.

There are so many things that you can learn from your girls that maybe you don’t feel comfortable talking about with others. They are also always there to encourage you, to push you, and to support you….to love you basically, in ways that only they can.

I’m a firm believer in iron sharpening iron, and if people that you are surrounding yourself with are not on the same level as you are or don’t share in some of the same values and beliefs that you do, then where is the opportunity for growth?

The reason why I point out that it’s so important to surround yourself with like-minded ladies though is because at some point these are going to be the individuals that you go to for advice. Whether it’s ‘do I look good in this?’ or ‘he thinks I should _____ what do you think?’

In most cases they are going to answer with their own opinions which will ultimately be a reflection of their values.

For example, back in high school a few of my girl friends at the time thought it was so lame that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. Any time that I would go to them about relationship advice, they pretty much always had the same suggestions... (Which were not necessarily always inline with my own personal beliefs or what I wanted, but these were also the girls that I trusted the most and who I was the closest to- so there was a struggle there at times).

What I began to realize was that subconsciously they were impacting my values and ideas.

After awhile some of the stances that I previously held extremely important to me, I begin to reason with some of their logic and take on some of their ideas.

Luckily it never happened with sex or some of the more important issues for me, but the point is is that people do rub off on you.

(Granted this was high school and I was a lot more impressionable then than now, but I still believe that it’s highly unlikely to surround yourself by someone daily and to never take on any of the same qualities and perceptions as the other person).

So now I try to be very conscious about who I allow in my close circle of friends.

I don’t mind having acquaintances and people that I just associate with every so often, but for those people who I consider my close friends and who I will frequently turn to for advice, I try to make sure that they are emulating the type of life that I am striving for or that we share in the same beliefs and values.

Your friends really do play an important part in your life, so make sure when you are choosing your girl friends that you are choosing people who have your best interest at heart and who will be there for you no matter what.

If your “friend” is always making you feel bad about yourself, or is always criticizing you, then you should probably reevaluate some things in your relationship.

You want to know that she is going to loving tell you when you are wrong in a situation, to rejoice with you when you are joyful, to help carry your burden when you need someone to lean on, and to love you when you are both loveable and unlovable.

So choose wisely and try to focus more on quality vs. quantity (i.e. it’s not about how many friends you have but about the quality of the friendships).

- Virgin Monologuez

P.S. Next week I’ll be back with another monologue from a new reader who wanted to share her story and her experiences with you all, so make sure to check back for that! In the mean time, have a good week J.

Monologue Monday: Christin

Today I have a special treat for you all! Today I have the pleasure of introducing you to my beautiful friend Christin.

Christin is intelligent, funny, witty, kind, compassionate, very giving (she would literally give you the clothes off of her back), stunning, strong and very candid. Since I have met her she has ALWAYS been self-less, motivated, encouraging, and supportive of all who enter into her life.

As you will soon discover, as a result of various situations that occurred to her over the years, Christin has had to deal with some very serious issues and it has impacted her self-worth and self-esteem. Even though the trials that she has had to endure have affected the way that she esteems herself, she still is one of the sincerest, most charming, most genuine people that I have ever encountered, and nothing that has happened to her can take that away from her.

She seriously is like a breath of fresh air and I’m so glad honored to call her my friend.

When she decided that she wanted to share her story with you all, I was very humbled and grateful that she would openly reveal it in hopes that it in turns impacts someone else’s life.

So here’s Christin’s story in her own words:

Monologue Monday: Christin

First of all, thanks and admiration to my friend who runs this site. I think that the way the media , our culture and our peers (as influenced by the media/culture) portray sex is pretty skewed from its reality, and not all people (myself included) have trusted adults in their lives to have open discussions about sex and all that it implies.

Having a site such as this one then is entirely valuable, and I’m so proud of my friend for the time and effort that she puts into answering all of your questions and  finding interesting and caring people to tell you their experiences.

Secondly, there’s the key phrase above: ‘their’ experience.

When you read these monologues, you get a privileged insight into the mistakes and triumphs of others. In writing my story, I can’t offer you a manual of what to do or what not to do. I can only tell you what I did. Hopefully something that I say resonates with you or you find applicable to your own life. Either way, I guess I’d just like to give someone the opportunity to learn from my experience so as to avoid the pain and consequences that I have faced in my life.

I grew up as a conservative, evangelical Christian, and my role models were the people at my church who never even held hands until their wedding night. I was intent upon waiting for marriage to share this great intimacy with one person and one person only. I wanted to remain pure for my God and have an innocence about myself that my future husband would admire.

One of my favorite sermons from my youth pastor discussed how pre-marital sex was essentially adultery perpetrated against our future spouse, and I took that lesson to heart. I would absolutely not engage outside of the confines of a marital bed.

Then, things changed. For reasons that are tangentially irrelevant to the subject of this post, I ceased to claim Christ as my Savior. I had always been told that it was my duty to wait for marriage because I was God's child and that's what he wanted for me. No one ever told me that I, as a human being, have an inherent value to myself that entitles me to wait for all the best that sex has to offer. So, since my moral standing against pre-marital sex had been purely religious, I floated in an uncomfortable moral abyss of confusion and curiosity about all the things that had formerly been entirely off-limits to me. And that’s where trial and error – A LOT of error – entered my life.

When I was 21, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. I ended a night of excessive drinking with friends and had to take the last Metro home, by myself, at 3am. During that trip, I was targeted by a male who recognized my state of incoherence. He took advantage of me.  And that’s how I lost my virginity.

That night created a disjointed relationship between sex and intimacy for me. Sex became just another thing to do and lost any sort of specialness that it should – and certainly does – have. I’m struggling to close that gap, but for an assortment of reasons, it’s proving extremely difficult.

For someone like me, who struggles with body image issues and low self-esteem, the desire/lust that comes from physical interactions can be easily confused as genuine affection or simply personal affirmation. As such, I have given myself to more men in the past 2 years than I care to be true, several of whom were just for one night.

Of the people with whom I’ve shared that part of myself, only one of them genuinely mattered to me. I was – and still am – in love with him. It pains me to think how I’ve so degraded him and what I shared with him by allowing others to have that same part of me.

When I look back, I remember the moment when he apologized to me for having been with other girls (at that time, I had only been with that one man on that fateful night). I remember the look in his eyes, how it bothered him that what we were to do was inherently less special because of how willingly he’d done it in the past.

And, now, I will have that same responsibility of apologizing through my broken heart to someone in the future. I will need to apologize for how I held myself in such low regard that I sought affirmation of my personal worth through the body of someone else. How I’ve so disassociated sex from emotion so as to degrade both myself and the act of sex itself. With every person with whom I share that intimate act, I’ve lessened the specialness that sex will have with the last person who ever has that part of me.

Expect Great Things!!!

This Has Got to Stop... Seriously

Why are we feeding our youth a diet of trash and insecurities and being shocked when they are producing low self esteem and extreme disrespect?

You reap what you sow; there should be no surprise in that.

If you sow watermelon seeds and at the end of your harvest you are expecting tomatoes, it’s not going to happen.

If you feed yourself chips, cookies, candy, soda, and all kinds of unhealthy foods on a daily basis, you can’t be too surprised when your doctor tells you that you might have high cholesterol or some other health risk.

Likewise, if we are supplying our youth with all types of degrading reality shows, music, and various other forms of “entertainment” and media, how can we act surprised when some of them suffer from low self-esteem, are sexually promiscuous at the age of 12, addicted to pain killers, are disrespectful, and feel self-entitled?

(And this is a disclaimer because obviously not all children are like this, but the reality is that a growing number of young adults and teens are).

Yes, individuals are responsible for their own actions, but at some point when does the rearing of a minor…the upbringing of a generation, become a reflection on the previous generation’s nurturing skills.

Everyone wants to stay young, to be a part of “the crowd”, and to feel alive again…why can’t you pull yourself together, realize that other people are watching and admiring your actions, and stop living selfishly for yourself.

YOUR ACTIONS ARE AFFECTING OTHERS...

Yeah, that might not be ‘your problem’ or ‘why should you care?’….well at the end of the day we’re all in this together. This is our world, our lives, our society.

Let’s stop feeding our future a fast food diet of rubbish and expecting them to generate positivity and confidence.

“Dare to be the change that you wish to see”

                                                                                                                        -Gandhi

-Virgin Monologuez

Monologue Monday: Good Guys

I just want to start off by saying that I LOVE what this site is becoming. God blessed me with the idea of sharing my story and the stories of other women with you all (in the hopes of encouraging both women and men to know their value, love themselves, and to become better people in the process), but this venture has shaped into something that I never even imagined in my wildest dreams!

Since the site began I have shared the stories of numerous ladies with regards to intimacy and relationships, interviewed several guys about the male’s perspective, and shared some of my own personal experiences. Overall it has been a really positive journey.

During this time, I have received countless emails from females (virgins, those practicing abstinence, and those who are just trying to figure out what’s right for them) telling me how inspired they’ve been by certain posts, and I’m always genuinely humbled that they would even take the time to send me an email stating as such in the first place.

While the mission of this blog is to celebrate, empower, and encourage women to love themselves, their bodies, and the gift of intimacy that they possess though, it in no manner is meant to portray the males out there in a negative light.

Some of my closest friends are guys (whom I talk to frequently and tell mostly everything), and even if it weren’t for them, I have two brothers, a nephew, lots of male cousins and uncles. In short, I respect men greatly and I would never intentionally do anything to bash guys in general.

(Now if me sharing my story of a particular incident with a guy sheds that guy in a negative light then I’m just telling it like it happened, but I definitely am not the type to think that all guys are alike or that they are all bad news- that’s just not my mentality).

Just like there are some great girls out there (many who are the one’s that read this blog J lol j/k), there are also some females out there who are very manipulative, conniving, and just plain awful individuals. Likewise, there are some guys who are arrogant, rude, and self-serving, but there are also some really great guys out there who should be celebrated.

So that’s what I want to do today.

Next week we’ll be back with a monologue from another reader, but today I want to celebrate all the good guys out there who are trying to live right and do the right things.

All guys aren’t bad, and sometimes if you associate with the right like-minded guys as yourself, then you can even learn a thing or two in the process!

So here are some of the things that my guy friends, ex-boyfriends, brothers and associates have taught me:

·         Not to settle- I have AMAZING brothers. They are very supportive and very communicative with me about a lot of things. Since our father died when we were younger, they have definitely stepped up and helped be my role models and examples. They have only treated me with love and respect (opening doors for me, taking me out to eat -just us-, freely giving me words of affirmation, and just generally being there for me). Whenever a guy has tried to enter into my life that they don’t agree with, I have tried to hear them out because I respect them and know that they only want the best for me.

·         They have raised the bar- I know this might sound weird for me to say, but my exes are really great guys. I am so lucky that I've only encountered really driven, caring, passionate guys who cared about me and about life. As a result of the encounters that I have had with them, I know that I am only willing to expect better. These guys were great… they set the limit and some even raised the bar. For me it’s like I refuse to be in darkness after I have encountered electricity. They were my lamps…my world is only going to get brighter! (That sounds kind of corny but its true!)

·         That sexy doesn’t mean trashy- Only people who are trying to overly compensate for something show everything that they have at once. Nobody has to see all of you in order to like you. It’s ok to be mysterious and intriguing, not revealing everything but still being appealing. Even at 27 and being a woman J, my brothers and male friends are quick to tell me that I’m doing too much sometimes lol.

·         That less is more- My brothers (and most of my guy friends) aren’t fans of loads of make-up, hair extensions and false everything. I love my natural look just as much as I like to get dolled up, so I’m cool with whatever, but it’s nice to hear that guys aren’t really into that stuff as much as we think that they care. I mean yeah you want to look and feel good for you, but you don’t have to look like you just left the MAC Pro Shop (and tried on everything that they were offering) every single day. Just put on some lip gloss, a couple coats of mascara, and call it a day…be comfortable in your own skin!

·         How to treat a woman- This is the most important one and basically it composes all of the other ones. The guys that I know have taught me how a woman should be treated (well I already knew, but they just iterated it with their actions and behaviors): She should be respected; she should be honored; she should be showered with appreciation, affection, and even gifts; she should be made to feel secure; she should be heard; accepted; encouraged…she should be herself; everything that he wants and need, and a reflection of the person that he aspires to be.

So to all of my guys out there, thanks for being you and for knowing the value of a good woman when you see one. I know in general that you all get a bad rap for some of the things that your associates, peers and friends do, but we know that ya’ll aren’t all alike.

There are still some good guys out there.

       -Virgin Monologuez

It’s Ok…

To be alone.

Learn how to enjoy your own company and to be ok (at peace/ content) whether you’re surrounded by numerous people or if it’s just you all by yourself.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a bit of a loner or if its because I’ve just gotten used to doing things solo, but I love having my “me” time.

While it’s cool to be around others and to hang out with friends or to do stuff in groups, it’s also really important to get to know yourself and to be comfortable in your own skin. You are the one person that you can never escape from, so learn how to be ok with you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love my family even more (and I’m excited for the day that I will one day meet the man that I will marry), but I’m just as happy with others as I am alone.

The reason why I’m writing this though is because I hear so many people saying that they’re in this relationship or doing that because they don’t want to be alone, and it honestly makes me a little sad.

Why sell yourself short or settle for something because it’s all that you feel you can get at the moment? Why not just work on making yourself a better person, learning what your likes and dislikes are (or what your strengths and maybe areas that you need to improve on are) before bringing someone else into the picture? Why aren’t you comfortable being by yourself?

I don’t mean to sound like I’m preaching; I’m not. I’m just really passionate about people and I truly believe that if people knew who they were and what they possess, what qualities and characteristics they have that make them strictly unique, then they wouldn’t feel inadequate or the need to be validated by other people. (Or feel the need to always be around someone else).

Love who you are, be ok with being by yourself, and just live your life to the fullest. Whether you’re surrounded by crowds of people or if you’re all alone in your room curled up reading a good book (or painting your nails or whatever), enjoy life.

-Virgin Monologuez

Moment of Truth:

Counterfeits know how to look and play the part but the key to finding out who they really are is TIME!!! They can only keep up the façade for so long before their mask comes off!

Be patient and try not to rush into anything too quickly; time reveals all things.

-          Miss B.

Woman of Strength

I just wanted to highlight a really amazing woman whom I’ve had the pleasure of being introduced to. Her courageousness is infectious, and her strength is admirable. She is a really compassionate, kindhearted woman who enjoys life to the fullest and makes the most out of ever opportunity.  And while her story doesn’t necessarily comment on the subject matter of my blog, I felt that it would be appropriate to highlight her strength and endurance as a woman dealing with the various issues of life.

Her name is Heather Von St. James, and she is a cancer survivor. She’s a wife, mother, and daughter. Back in 2005, over the course of a year she gave birth, was diagnosed with Mesothelioma, underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments, and was nursed back to complete health; all the while maintaining a positive attitude and hopeful presence in the lives of her family member. You can read more about her story here, but I just wanted to highlight a really great person!

And as I said before, while her story doesn’t necessarily relate to the content of this blog, at the end of the day if we can’t support others and highlight their successes and strengths than what is there to life? We should be able to laugh with others when they laugh, and to allow them to lean on us when they are weak.

Heather has been the epitome of courage and strength and her success should be applauded as such. So here’s to you Heather; congratulations on making it through such a trying and difficult time in your life, and here’s to hoping you have many, many more healthy years ahead of you!

-Virgin Monologuez

“The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.”

-C. JoyBell C.

Monologue Monday: If You Love Me Then You Will Let Me

“If you love me then you would let me….”

“But we are going to be together forever anyway; what’s the difference if we do it now, or if we wait….”

“But being physical is my love language…its how I connect with the other person….”

How many of us ladies have heard any of these phrases being thrown at us? It’s like some guys try to appeal towards our emotional and sensitive sides, and will thus say whatever they feel is necessary in order to try to get us to do something that we don’t want or are not ready to do. It’s ridiculous.

While I haven’t heard anyone say this type of stuff since I was a teenager, I’m still shocked whenever I hear some of the girls that I mentor saying that some of the guys that they like tell them this stuff all the time. To that I say if he LOVED you then he would respect you and wouldn’t try to push you to do something that you don’t want to do.

I have even heard females say that some guys have told them that they were just being stingy with their bodies… What?!?! Our minds and bodies are two of the most precious gifts that we could ever share with another individual, and that’s not something that should ever be taken lightly or placed into the wrong hands.

Some people just treat others as disposable beings; so after they have gotten what they wanted from them, they are gone and the other person is often times left feeling used, angry, frustrated, disheartened and sometimes even lonelier then before they got into the relationship. It’s just not worth it.

Sorry for ranting though. The purpose of this post is to share my monologue…my story, with you all in the hopes of helping someone. (If I or any other woman can share something on this blog that will help to eliminate the pain or disappointment of even one other person, then I feel like my experiences -and theirs- wouldn’t have been in vain).

As far as my personal experiences go, I’m kind of a rebel in the sense that I don’t like people giving me ultimatums or trying to force me to do something that I don’t agree with-period. So my experience isn’t as complex as some other situations that I have heard about, but it has happened to me.

From personal experience, it seems as though if you really are trying to wait but you really like the person that you are in a relationship with, there is some type of conflict going on in the inside of you that you are constantly battling with until you either assertively say no, end the relationship, or give into the desires of the other person. (I’m sure that there are more alternatives than this, but these are the three that I want to focus on right now).

*Assertively Saying No- Every human being has the right to say no to something if they don’t want to do it. If someone then tries to appeal to your emotional side, then you should really think about his character. What type of manipulation has to go on for him to convince you that his decision is better than yours??? (I’m saying his, but this goes for both males and females. I know some women who use a variety of manipulating tactics in order to get what they want out of relationships. This is never a good thing).

*Ending The Relationship- When you really care about someone, it’s never an easy decision about whether or not you should break up with him. If you are dating someone though, and he is in disagreement with you about a lot of the more major issues that are seemingly extremely important to you, then you should consider if you want to continue on in sharing your life with this person. And in some cases the guy might even beat you to the decision and be like ‘I can’t handle that- I’m young, I want to have fun and I’m just not ready for that’ (which happened to me before- and I PROMISE that you’ll be better off because of it!). If he can’t wait for you, then he doesn’t deserve you.

*Giving In- I don’t condone this, but I know that it happens. Some people just don’t want to disappoint the other person, so they are willing to make whatever compromises that they have to in order to please that other individual. If this is the decision that you ultimately decide upon, I would just caution you to consider this: after all is said and done (and you are looking back at your choices), will you regret the fact that you gave of yourself to someone else because he coerced you into doing it because that’s what he wanted at the time?

Whatever decision that you decide upon, just try not to make too rash of a decision; don’t hurry through it but really think about what you want out of life and out of your relationship.

One comment that has always stuck out in my mind that my mom once told me is, “don’t try to be like your friends and everybody else. I bet you that if you asked them, few would say that they were glad that they lost it, but many would say they wish they could get it back”. (It sounded much better when she said it- my paraphrasing isn’t the best lol, but hopefully you get the point)!

-Love yourself and other people will follow J

The Male's Perspective: AaronRose24

As I promised yesterday, below is a recent interview that I did with AaronRose24 from Youtube. He was beyond kind and extremely helpful in making sure that this interview happened. His only request from me was to make sure that I quoted him word for word, and I did.

Speaking about quoting him word for word, I try to do that with every interview that I do because the idea behind doing this is so that you get a male’s perspective; not mine. Women think differently about most subjects than men, so the way that I or you might answer a question is often times very different from how someone else might respond. I think that that’s the beauty about it though! Learning from someone else and gaining another person’s perspective potentially opens your eyes up to the various types of guys out there, and how you should carry yourself as a result; which is the reason why I do these interviews in the first place.

But back to Aaron, he is seriously one of the most helpful and passionate guys that I have interviewed yet. Once we started communicating, he basically took the reins and was more than accommodating with me and my inquisitive questions!

(Which by the way, how about a round of applause to ALL of the men who have done interviews with me. I’m sure it can’t be easy putting yourself out there and sharing your opinions with the world- and more specifically the many women who visit my site. Thanks for being honest and keeping it real with us!)

So without further ado, here is Mr. Rose’s interview:

1. What’s your take on women who go all out to claim their guy, but the guy barely acknowledges her. (Think girls on facebook whose status say they are in a relationship or married, but guys who still have up single)?

A: For a woman to go all out to claim she has a man, but the guy doesn’t do the same is completely wrong. When two people decide to get together they need to let everyone know that the single mode is shut down, and that they are now in a relationship so that anyone who may be interested in them can know to step back because the rules have changed. A woman should not put forth so much effort to claim someone who doesn’t want to do the same because she’s being cheated out of the agreement. When a man doesn’t want to claim his woman (via Facebook for example), he’s not ready to stop playing around with the other women out there who want him because if they knew he was taken, most of them would go away out of respect for the relationship.

2. Why do you think so many "good girls" fall for the "bad boy" type of guys?

A: A lot of women want that security and thrill from a man so they tend to go after the “bad boy” type of guy. Women need to understand that having a “bad boy” comes with everything included with it such as: not respecting others or the law, getting into trouble everywhere you go with him, constant threats to others outside the relationship, and non-affection (because a bad boy will not be a “gentle man” in the relationship). So because of this, women will get the security they need from this hardcore type of guy, but they won’t get the other important things in a relationship like communication to allow you to vent, or him telling you about his love for you and really meaning it. Women need to understand that having a good guy doesn’t mean he will not fight for your love or make you feel secure because he WILL do all of these things and more if you allow him to.

3. Why do you think some of those same girls try to "change" the guy that she is with in order to fit her ideal man?

A: Women need to understand that you can never change a man into what you want him to be, just in order to fit your needs. If you dated him and he was a certain type of guy, when you get into a relationship or marry him, he is going to be that same guy you dated before you decided to make it official. Think about when you go to a store and buy an item off the shelf…that item will let you know on the box what its uses are and what it’s built to do. So when you go home and expect it to do something else that it wasn’t intended to do, you can’t get mad because you bought that item for its sole purpose of what it was meant to do. You get what you pay for! So if you get a guy who was lazy when you first met him, he’s going to be lazy throughout the relationship. It’s important to get to know who you are getting involved with before you make those moves.

4. Do you think that it's possible for girls and guys to be just friends? What about if they’ve dated in the past?

A: This is a “yes” and “no” answer because I believe that men and women can be friends but at the same time they can not be friends. Men and women are designed to like one another, so when you first see someone and you think that they are attractive or not, you have two options: 1) Try and make a move on them or 2) Just talk to them with no intentions. Here is where the conflict arises: someone is going to find the other person attractive. When have you ever just told yourself, “I want to get to know this person just because…”? Every time you decide to meet someone on your own terms there is a purpose behind it, and a lot of times it’s because you are interested in them. Most people meet someone to get to know them because they are interested. Now once they meet and one person finds out the other person is not interested, then that’s when they decide to just be friends. But even though you are now just friends, don’t forget why the person approached you in the first place…they liked you. So this is where the “just friends” is false because he or she is still hoping to get with you.

If you meet someone at your job or from an activity with no intentions, then it’s possible to be just their friend because there weren’t intentions to meet them on your own terms; you had to because you work with them. This is a “yes” answer because it can work between the two people, but like I said before, someone is going to like the other person even if it’s a small little crush.

5. Do you think that some people base love on convenience and are only in relationships because they are scared to be alone, or don't want to wait for the right one to come along, so they just take whatever's available at the moment?

A: Yes. I have known a lot of people who do this and it’s not a good thing. Getting with someone because you don’t want to be alone is not healthy for the mind. Of course we all want to grow with someone in life and start a family with them, or maybe just date around until you are ready to settle down, but I’ve know people who jumped from one relationship to the next one back to back because they felt the need to be with someone so they could feel whole and not be alone. If you don’t take the time to get to know who you are and what caused your relationship to fail in the last go-round, you will constantly have failing relationships. If you take the time to get to know who you are and just understand what you like, you can have a clear head and meet the right person without the baggage involved from a previous relationship.

6. What do you think about girls who save themselves for marriage or who practice abstinence? Do you think that it's harder for them to date or to be in relationships?

A: I think it’s a wonderful thing for a female to save herself for the right guy who wants marriage. The world is a crazy place to live in now a days with all of this sex floating around. It’s very difficult to be the different person in the bunch when everyone else is doing it, but the outcome is so awesome. Sex really changes people in a relationship; makes them crazy, paranoid, fearful and much more. With sex comes so much responsibility because you have to worry about someone cheating on you, giving you a STD, or having an unexpected pregnancy. It’s very difficult for someone to deal with a person who doesn’t have sex in relationships and someone who does, because one is used to getting sex whenever they want and the other is not used to getting sex at all. Conflict is pretty understandable.

7.  Some girls seem to think that if she sleeps with a guy that he will like her more. Do you find that to be true?

A: False! So not true. Guys love the feel of a chase in a relationship just like a dog loves the chase of a good ball thrown or a car driving by. If a man has sex with a female too early, he no longer is interested in her because what his goal was from the beginning was given to him early. A woman needs to not give herself up to early to a guy she likes because she can’t find out if this is the right guy for her or not. Taking the time to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship is very, very important so that she can save herself from heartbreak.

8. With the divorce rate being as high as it is, there are many guys who come from broken homes and don't know how to treat a woman or how to even respect themselves. Do you think that girls/women should be more lenient/patient with guys who haven't always had the perfect example to model their relationships after?

A: Yes, a woman should have a lot of patience with a guy who didn’t grow up with both parents. Not having a father (in most cases) is hard to handle when you are growing up because he doesn’t know how to be a full man if he never had a role model, and you learn how to do what’s needed from a father figure. He can learn all that’s needed from the mother about treating women with respect, but a woman wants to have a man who takes care of business; growing up he might not have had someone teaching him that. He is going to make a lot of mistakes that will cause a woman to go bananas but if you get him through it, he will be a great guy for you.

9.  Jumping off of that question, what 3 dating tips or advice would you give to the guys reading this who really do want to make their relationships better or to become better men in general?

A: Tip #1: Treat your woman with respect at all times and be a gentleman. A woman loves a man who can be respectful at all times, no matter what the situation is. Open all the doors for her, pay for the first dates, and treat her like a Queen to make her happy.

Tip #2: Be yourself. No woman wants a guy who is false to her or himself. If you are goofy, be goofy. If you are hardcore, be hardcore. Let her decide if she likes you and go from there.

Tip #3: Wait on having sex with her. The most important thing about gaining a female’s trust is letting her know that you are not after her because of her body alone. If you are really into this woman, you need to earn her trust and make sure she is comfortable with you.

10. What are three ways that a female can be more supportive of the guy that she is dating/married to?

A: Tip #1: Treat him like a King. A man will do so much more for you if you treat him like he is the King of your castle. When a woman makes a man feel good and on top of the world, like he is on top of the world, he will do so much more for you and more.

Tip #2: Listen to his thoughts and concerns. Men have feelings too and we need our woman to hear what we want in a relationship and what he don’t like. This actually goes for both parties but for men it’s very important. We always feel we need to fix certain situations in our relationships, so we will always try and make sure that things are running in order.

Tip #3: Understand that he is not perfect. It’s a proven fact that women are a lot smarter than men are, so understand this when he makes mistakes that are easy for you to solve. He is your partner in crime and you both need each other to be a great team.

The Beauty of A Woman

For some reason lately I have been a bit tougher on myself than I should be. In those moments I love reminding myself that I…that we all… should celebrate and encourage ourselves and one another, and learn to just enjoy life and take it one day at a time.

Life is not necessarily about the mistakes that we make or the shortcomings that we possess, but about the lessons that we learn and how we overcome in those instances. Just by being us, by living and loving, we are all leaving an imprint; we are all beautiful beings.

The Beauty of a Woman:

The beauty of a woman
isn't in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes;
Because that's the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman
isn't in a facial mole;
But true beauty in a woman,
is reflected by her soul.

It's the caring that she cares to give,
the passion that she shows;
And the beauty of a woman
with passing years only grows.

-Sam Levenson/Audrey Hepburn

Happy Friday Everyone!

I hope everyone is having a good morning, and that you will have an even better weekend. I have some really interesting male perspectives coming at you all very soon. First up I interviewed AaronRose24 from Youtube, and then my younger brother wants to go ahead and do the conclusion to Part 1 of his interview from two months ago (youcan find Part 1 here). So the male perspectives are rolling in!

And don’t forget that this isn’t all inclusive of every male’s opinion. If you have an opinion and you feel like your perspective isn’t being heard fellows, then please send me an email and I would love to interview you (virginmonologuez@gmail.com).

And to all of my female readers, you can also continue making your contributions by telling your stories for Monologue Mondays. Because of you all, I have received countless emails from other females saying that it made them really think about some things or change the way they were acting. So thank you for being so open and honest and for sharing your stories!

Well, I have to go for now but stay tuned J

-Virgin Monologuez

Monologue Monday: How I’m Doing It

One of the questions that I get asked a lot by many of the girls that I mentor (and I guess by just as many guys that are curious), is ‘how are you doing it?’

My first response is to make sure they know that I’m not doing anything in my own strength- with God all things are possible! Plus, I have several rules for myself that I have developed along the way (throughout this dating process).

I’m going to keep it real and honest with ya’ll though. For some reason people think that my feelings and emotions don’t work or have just been turned off, and then one day they will magically reappear and that’s how I’m able to wait-because I don’t have the same feelings and desires as others.

THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!

I am just like anyone else in the sense that I desire to share myself with someone and to be intimate with someone, it’s just that that someone is my future husband, and that time is when we get married.

There’s nothing undoable or impossible about it… at least not to me. I just believe in certain principles and values, and I have learned how to say no both to myself and to others. I genuinely believe that waiting lays the right foundation for a successful relationship and it honors God, so it just makes sense to me.

Now I’m not going to lie or make myself look like some saint- it has gotten really difficult at one point or another. But it has also been entirely preventable and avoidable depending on my actions and the environments that I have allowed myself to be in.

When I was younger I was A LOT more naïve about things, and I thought I could participate in things just like my peers and it not affect me or have any impact on me; THAT’S ALSO NOT TRUE!!!

No one- Christian or otherwise- is immune from their choices not having consequences. For Christians however, we do have God’s grace and forgiveness on our side, so that’s definitely a positive.

I quickly learned that I couldn’t do everything like everyone else, and still SINCERELY maintain the same values and beliefs that I had. I had to set myself apart. And sometimes that meant being called lame and boring because I wouldn’t participate in certain things like everybody else. I was cool with that.

I think most people- whether you are waiting until you are married or not- set standards for themselves when it comes to dating and relationships. One of my rules for myself, and one rule that I think played the biggest impact on me still remaining a virgin now, is that I was always held accountable by someone else (and in my case it was my mother).

Now, I’m not saying that you should go out and start telling your mom everything- that would probably be extremely embarrassing and uncomfortable (but if you’re for it, then that’s cool too J), but I am suggesting that you get a close friend, mentor, or relative whom you trust, and ask them to hold you accountable after your dates.

I know this may sound so crazy and off the wall to some people, but if you’re really serious about waiting and you do well when others hold you accountable for something, than this would be perfect….and it is what worked for me.

My mom isn’t overbearing or too inquisitive, and we have a really good relationship, so it has been really easy for me to talk to her over the years. And giving her details about my dates- and being honest about it- has really helped me because I don’t like lying to her…I actually feel really bad when I do.

Just knowing that I would have to share the details about what I did earlier made me really think about my actions while I was out. If I was doing anything that I knew I shouldn’t have been doing, and if I felt embarrassed or the need to change up what actually happened even in the slightest bit, then I knew that what I was doing was wrong.

Like I said before, I just want to reiterate that this may not be for everyone- but it was right for me and I’m so glad that I followed these guidelines.

Some other things that have helped me in no particular order are:

·         Having a curfew-This is more for when I was younger than now, but even now I try not to stay out past a certain time unless it’s a special occasion or the event calls for it.

·         Living at home with my mom while I was in college- I lived away for two years and at home for two years, and the two years that I was away in my own apartment offered me A LOT more chances to get in to all kinds of trouble. I have since lived on my own again, but while I was still growing up and trying to experience life, it was a bit more difficult for me to handle because I had all of this new found freedom and no real person to answer to- which is why I suggest having someone hold you accountable for your actions.

·         Talked with the guys I dated/was in a relationship with before things got serious- I have openly talked about my desire to wait with each guy that I have dated/been in a relationship with. Usually this is a good way to weed them out lol, but sometimes you run into those dudes that are like ‘no problem I respect that’….and then 6 months later they are asking you is it time yet. I had one of those- it was a fail!

·         Try to avoid being alone in dark, isolated places with no real plan or reason for being there- If someone is taking you on a date and they are like ‘let’s go to the park’ (at night) , or ‘let me take you to this place where we can really see the stars’- I would think twice. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be with someone in the dark- that’s almost impossible, but I am suggesting that you be careful WHERE you are in the dark. If somebody is parking their car, turning off the engine, and there is nothing or no one around, they either want to do one of two things, and neither one of them is good in my opinion.

·         No overnight gatherings- at a house, hotel, apartment...wherever- I have actually done this before a few times for reasons that seemed out of my control before, but now that I’m writing this NONE OF THEM were that good. While nothing ever happened, it was still not the best situation to be placing oneself in when trying to wait until marriage. It’s too risky a situation, and puts you in a potentially compromising situation, even if you have the best of intentions.

·         Don’t share your business with EVERYBODY- There are a lot of people in the world that want to see you succeed, but there are also those who want to see you fail. Don’t go around telling everybody everything because inevitably someone might try to do everything in their power to make sure that you are unsuccessful. I know some guys/ jerks take pride in being your first and being able to say that they were your first one; even if that means coercing you into doing something that you say you aren’t ready for. So be careful how much (if anything) of your information that you share with other people- both male and female alike. Everyone who seems like they have your best interest at heart doesn’t always. (And I know it’s ironic that I am sharing my information with the world, but there is a reason why I haven’t revealed my identity, and this is one of them! Not paranoid ….just precautious J).

·         Going to church, journaling, and reading my Bible- I am a firm believe in what you put into your body is bound to come out one way or another. Whether that is physically, sociologically, emotionally, or whatever. We live in a sex-driven world. If I were to constantly expose myself to the views of everyone around me, and look at as much television, magazines, and internet as possible, I would begin to take on the mindset of what I was watching and allowing to entertain me. Likewise, if I am going to church, reading my Bible, and surrounding myself with like minded people, then I will remain grounded, know why I have the principles that I have, and be more confident in the choices that I make.

Some of these points might be really off for you, and if so, my apologizes. These are rules that work for me; what works for one person may not work for someone else. With that said though, if you want to really get serious about this waiting thing, then you should try to make sure that you do have SOME RULES set up in place, so that you have guidelines to follow and you can draw yourself back in when/ if you get out of line.

I am not good on my own, but it’s by the grace of God that I am living the lifestyle that I am. Take God out of the equation, and I’m just another girl trying to find love in all of the wrong places. Thus, it is IMPERATIVE that I make my faith a priority.

So these are just a few of my tips. What about you? What tips do you find helpful in terms of setting guidelines for your relationship?